SmackDown Slam (10/16)

Written by Chris Vining
October 17, 2003

Welcome to another edition of the Smackdown Slam. Despite the "crappy" show last week, Smackdown ratings came up out of the sewers. Don't get too excited though. Game seven between by hometown Red Sox and the New York Anti-Christ's starts at 8:18. Expect to see S.D.'s ratings a little bit lower than usual. I heard a nasty rumor about a 20-minute interview with Stephanie tonight. If that does happen, I will have to take drastic measures. I haven't decided exactly what I will do, but I won't let the McMahon's make my column boring. I refuse to be taken down by the evil McMahon family! As always email your thoughts to Killer.canary@cox.net If you don't I will make you watch the upcoming I Quit match at No Mercy until your eyes bleed.

I want to take this time and say something about the passing of Stu Hart. When I first started watching wrestling I heard Bret Hart talk about his father and the "Dungeon". I couldn't imagine went on in that place, but it made me want to train to be a wrestler in my own home. It didn't work out for me but it did for countless wrestlers today. Wrestling won't be the same without the patriarch of the Hart family. The man was a legend, and wrestling, as a whole, owes a debt to Stu Hart.

HEADLINES YOU WILL SEE THIS WEEK
5. William Regal cleared to begin light workouts in a potential return to the ring. Just what Raw needs another obnoxious heel foreigner.
4. Macho Man says he is willing to return to the WWE, but nobody will return his phone calls.
3. For the love of God, someone please help Rosie out of the phone booth. It just isn't funny anymore. He was forced to eat the phone book just to survive.
2. "Acts of Kane" added to health insurance policies across the country
1. Jarrett flies to Japan to beat up Hogan. Thousands more ready to beat up Hogan when he comes back to America.

HEADLINES YOU WON'T SEE THIS WEEK
5. Fans at house shows across the country irate that Test is injured and unable to compete.
4. Big Show showered alone after Smackdown last week. Even Pat Patterson wouldn't go near him.
3. HHH is actually being kept off TV because he ran out of blood. The risk of him bleeding again was to dangerous for WWE medical staff to clear him to wrestle.
2. John Cena vs. Kurt Angle battle rap to headline Source Awards
1. Headline match at Survivor Series: Vince McMahon vs. Bill Gates for the title of "the Anti-Christ"

SMACKDOWN SLAM
Nobody knows the location of Bill DeMott, but Hardcore Holly has shown up in OVW. One out of two isn't bad but will someone please help me find Bill. I miss him. The show tonight needs to answer one thing: What is a Biker Chain Match? Is it a chain on a pole, or do both guys have a chain or start the match, or are they connected by a chain, or does the loser get spanked by gay bikers wearing chains? It is bad when people don't even know what the stipulation of the main event of a PPV is with less than a week before the show.

My worst nightmare comes true: A preview of Mrs. Game's interview. Not only do we have to watch the whole thing, I have to watch some now. How do you cost yourself 25,000 PPV buys? Have a 20-minute interview with a McMahon the last show before the PPV. Can Eddie please come back with that sewage truck? No Mercy is headed for the sh!tter. (Has the game started yet? No, just mindless pre-game stuff. Go Red Sox! Can Tim McCarver be any more biased against the Red Sox? Bret Boone's brother plays for the Yankees and even he isn't that bad.)

Vanilla C's music hits but it is Kurt Angle dressed like the master of thuganomics. Fake Vanilla tries to bust out some rhymes about how tough he is, but Kurt is a worse rapper than Yanni. Kurt Angle's music interrupts Fake Vanilla, and a midget dressed like Angle comes to the ring. I shall call him, Mini Kurt. Mini Kurt scared away Fake Vanilla, who then tried to attack his vertically challenged opponent. Fake Vanilla was taken down and started to tap to the ankle lock. The real Vanilla C came to the ring and got in the face of Fake Vanilla C. This is scary, like when there were two Undertakers. Mini Kurt then low blowed the real Vanilla C. This was the absolute best thing I have ever seen on Smackdown. Midgets just make wrestling more fun. Remember mini Booker T and the Rock? Good times.

Chris Benoit vs. One of the Two Stooges w/ the other Stooge (No score yet)
The Wolverine is mad because he has to face off against the Hairball at No Mercy. If I were Benoit I would hide a bottle of Nair in my tights and then wipe the hair off him after the match. Actually it might take a few bottles of Nair. Benoit decides to take out his aggression on one of the stooges. Once the 1st one gets beaten, the second stooge switches into the match, and then gets beaten up too. The stooges switch again (I think) but Benoit gets one of them to tap to the crossface regardless. The Hairball then waddles to the ring and attacks Benoit. I never saw that coming.

Michael "Shoelace" Cole conducts a sit down interview with Mrs. Game from earlier today. She is apparently banned from the building. She is the GM, so how can she be banned? I would try to figure that out but I really don't care enough. Mrs. Game cried, got mad at her dad, said she loved him, hated him, would never let him walk her down the aisle again (her 1st marriage was a drive through to HHH so he never walked her down the aisle), or see his grandkids, or stuff like that. WHO CARES? I summed the interview up in about 30 seconds, but it lasted 20 minutes. It was so bad I almost switched over to Lifetime. Just to make up for this downright awful segment I will throw in a few funny WWE memories for those who experienced the pain firsthand of this interview. Current baseball score Red Sox 0 Yankees 0.

Remember whenÖ Vince pissed his pants and then people brought, and threw, Depends into the ring
Remember whenÖ Al Snow had a hardcore match against himselfÖAnd still lost
Remember whenÖ Mae Young went topless. OK that wasn't funny, but this interview was that painful
Remember whenÖ Stone Cold attacked Vince in the hospital and hit him with a bedpan and gave him an enema
Remember whenÖ HHH was flailing around in slop, courtesy of the Godwins
Remember whenÖ Tommy Dreamer ate Taker's tobacco, then threw a bucket of puke on him the next week
Remember whenÖ Hurricane took HHH to the ER and a doctor pulled HHH's own head out of his ass
Remember whenÖ Chyna cut a promo telling Double J not to mess with her because she had PMS

With memories like these nothing the WWE could produce will ever bring me down, but this horrible waste of TV time came pretty close. If they ever have a 20-minute interview with a boring person then the WWE will have hell to pay. I'll see to it they bring back the Goon, the Dumpster, TL Hopper, Dusty Rhodes and Scott Hall. Don't mess with me Vince, I could make it happen! If you have a favorite funny WWE/F moment I didn't list then email it to me. I hope to have a list of funny moments for an upcoming column, plus get an idea of how many people actually read my column. I will make it easy for you. Even if you don't have a funny moment just send me an email (it can be blank for all I care) if you read my column. Here is the email address again Email Killer.canary@cox.net Now back to Smackdown.

Jethro and Ellie Mae are shown backstage talking smack about Vince. I bet that felt good. Tajiri is lurking in the shadows and tells this to Vince. Vinny Wonka then books a match between the two former friends.

Jethro w/ Ellie Mae vs. Tajiri but NOT for the Skinny Guy title
As always Tajiri was impressive, gaining the upper hand on Jethro throughout most of the match. Tajiri went to use the title belt on Jethro, but Ellie Mae entered the ring to try to stop him. She got a face full of green mist, and went outside the ring to scream in pain. Tajiri just walks away as Jethro checks on his hillbilly lover. The big news is that JETHRO DIDN'T LOSE! He didn't win, but I can't ever remember the last time her didn't job.

Commercial break with the score Red Sox 3 Yankees 0

The trainers are shown attending to Ellie Mae but Jethro isn't satisfied. He goes to the ring and calls out Tajiri, making threats about forcing Tajiri to pay. Speaking of money I wonder how much of that $837, 000 is left? Tajiri never comes out, so Jethro goes to the back to find him. Too bad he bumped into Brock on the way. Brock then beat up another cruiserweight and delivered an F-5 on the floor. I honestly think Brock would look a little bit more impressive if he picked on people his own size. Vinny Wonka and Sable come to the ring to bore us again. At this point I am begging Vinny's mic to break, or someone to come down and interrupt this pointless drivel. Unfortunately it ends when Vinny and Sable make out in the ring.

Commercial break with the score Red Sox 3 Yankees 0

Latino Heat vs. Rhyno for the ECW title
Eddie came to the ring in a sweet 1999 Volvo station wagon. He sure knows how to style. He should have worn safari clothes since he is hunting Rhyno. I will pause while you groan at that bad joke. Rhyno really looks on top of his game, so he may be getting out of Vinny Wonka's doghouse. Eddie went outside and grabbed the timekeeper's hammer behind the ref's back. He then threw it to Rhyno and Eddie fell down. HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY THIS? IF SOMEONE THROWS YOU A WEAPON, DON'T CATCH IT! No good ever comes from it, except this Monday on Raw. As the ref is taking the hammer from Rhyno, Eddie grabs then title and hits the manbeast with it. Latino Mullet then gets the pin to keep his title.

As Eddie was getting into his car the Big Slow came out and started to attack him. Slow beats Eddie with a stick ten uses Eddie to smash up the truck. Latino Mullet is bleeding almost as bad as Kane was, and that was before Big Slow powerbombed him on the hood. The Slow picked up Eddie and chokeslammed him on the roof. Eddie would have gone straight through, but luckily Volvo has a 5 star safety system.

Commercial break with the score Red Sox 4 Yankees 0

Rey Rey vs. Da Bull w/ Flowers By Irene
Now that Rey Rey isn't the cruiserweight champ he can face important opponents like Johnny Stamboli. I guess this match does show that Rey Rey can face bigger opponents. Mysterio was too quick for Da Bull, and the FBI fell asleep outside the ring. Da Bull tried to block the 619, but Mysterio countered into a hurracarana for the win.

Commercial break with the score Red Sox 4 Yankees 1

The Usetobedead man is backstage for another interview. Since when did Smackdown turn into The View? Enough interviews Vinny, you are making me mad. Anyway Taker tells why he will win at No Mercy and gives us the rules of a Biker Chain match. The chain is suspended above the ring and the first person to grab it can use it. I guess it is like a combination ladder/pole match. I still think the loser should get whipped with chains by gay bikers. Brock then attacked Taker and wrapped the chain around his throat. The show went to commercial as Brock dragged Taker to the ring. Brock then hung Taker by the ring post. Taker went 7 straight minutes without breathing, was pronounced legally dead, but no sold it like he always does. Just as rigamortis began to set in Taker sprang back to life and chokeslammed Brock to end the show.

Smackdown pissed me off this week. This was the worst pre PPV show I have seen the WWE do in as long as I can memember. The interviews were horrible and took up way to much time. I expect that No Mercy will have horrible buy rates. The card stinks, and this S.D. did nothing to make me want to order the show. The only good thing was the Cena vs. Angle angle at the beginning of the show. Too bad it was too long ago to help this show's grade. On a scale of 3-97 I give Smackdown a horrible 47.3256. I would rather have watched two hours of Will & Grace and Friends.

This is an original column from CCOLINV ENTERPRISES. All information reported really happened, unless it didn't. I encourage you to read my other column at this site and all across the net. I am also looking for someone who could do one or two banners for me. I have the pictures and the ideas; I just need someone to assemble them for me. Find a complete listing and a lot of other great stuff at my brand new web home The Killer Canary. Also check out the site of an up and coming band, Thirty Stones at http://www.thirtystones.com. And I will leave you with my new favorite quote "Montezuma ain't got nothing on Guerrero!"

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