SmackDown Slam (12/4)

Written by Chris Vining
December 4, 2003

After a one-week hiatus the Smackdown Slam has returned. I read the reviews from last week’s show and I don’t think I missed much. I had a better day driving all over creation to spend a holiday with family anyway. Speaking of family, this week’s Smackdown will always hold a special place in my heart. It has nothing to do with the matches, but a passing of the torch. I got to sit down with my new two and a half year old sister-in-law and show her wrestling for the first time. I know that she will probably never remember this night, but it is the first time I have ever passed my love of wrestling onto another generation. I guess it is good practice for being a parent. Anyway, if you have a special memory of being introduced to wrestling then email Killer.canary@cox.net with your story.

Just because I feel a little bit self-indulgent today, make sure you check out my Nonsensical Notions column that will be up early next week. I am doing a profile on the wrestler who has been unfairly held back from winning the world title for years. The twist is that the wrestler I am talking about probably isn’t one of the usual “held down” wrestlers that are often written about. Be in for a surprise, a great column, and hopefully some great pictures I have gathered over the years. But that is then and this is now, so on with the show.

HEADLINES YOU WILL SEE THIS WEEK
5. As an ongoing tribute to Crash, Steven Richards has decided to get his ass kicked every week like Crash use to. It was a nice thought, but since that happened to Richard’s anyway, nobody has noticed
4. The Thanksgiving Smackdown had no food fight or gravy match. No wonder the ratings were down
3. AJ Styles vs. Jeff Jarrett for the TNA title. The entire world asks “What about Raven?”
2. Jeff Jarrett was beaten with leather straps by fans during a match last week. Several members of the WWE creative team tried to book HHH in the same kind of match, and were promptly fired
1.Goldust will not have his contract renewed when it runs out in January. Couldn’t the WWE keep Goldie and not resign Kevin Nash? People actually liked Goldust, and he has personality too

HEADLINES YOU WON’T SEE THIS WEEK
5. Seeing a black man named Cat on Thanksgiving must have meant bad luck for the show
4. The reason for the Ric Flair DVD selling so many copies can be summed up in two words, “man boobs”
3. Shannon Moore is being groomed by Paul Heyman to be the new sensei of Mattitude. Either that or he is just getting screwed over. As long as 3-Count doesn’t make a return
2. BG James and Ron Killings are the new TNA tag champs. The former WWF tag team has a new gimmick but still should be banned from attempting to sing. (Or letting Konnan wrestle)
1. Moon Dog Spot passed away during a match at the Jerry Lawler tribute show. The wrestling world was left with two questions. Who is Moon Dog Spot and was he the real Santa Clause?

SMACKDOWN
Tonight’s show begins with Mic Foley standing in the ring stripping Brock Lesnar of his title because he can’t cut a promo to save his life, and is just a big meanie. Actually that was just what I wanted to happen. Brock is in the ring though, making an attempt to talk to the crowd. He is drowned out by “You tapped out chants” so it is tough to hear what he was saying. As far as I can tell he said that Benoit deserves to be champion, and that he is Vanilla C bitch. I think he also mentions how he is afraid of squirrels and promises to never wear Mae Young’s thong to the ring again: Just too many painful memories of their breakup. He loved her dammit. Just then an orderly with a butterfly net comes and drags Brock into the back. I think it was for his own good. Brock tries to put up a fight but is now openly sobbing and shouting “I love Mae, she made me feel like a man.” I am confused, frightened, and in need of more anti-depressants. Then again so is Brock.

I feel like I need a shower after typing that last paragraph. I will be okay unless a fat man in a thong and a dominatrix group show up next. Oh damn, what are the odds of Rikishi and Scotty 2 Hotty taking on The Stooges next? Unfortunately, pretty good.

Rikishi and Scotty 2 Hotty vs. The 2 Stooges w/Chocolate Chyna but NOT for the tag team titles
Anytime the tag champs are in a match but the title isn’t on the line you know they will lose. It isn’t even worth wondering about the outcome, the only question is about how they will lose. Tonight Chocolate Chyna was ejected from ringside for causing a distraction. This allowed for the illegal switch by the Stooges. It didn’t matter because the new stooge was the recipient of a WORM and a Stinkface. I think the winner was the Stooge who left the ring. Chocolate Chyna was disappointed in her servants and left them in the ring. I guess there will be no kinky whipping or other dominatrix pleasures for the Stooges tonight.

First the image of an 80-year-old in a thong, then the last match. It could this show make me feel any nastier? Well there is one way, but they wouldn’t. It can’t be. It’s too much for one person to handle. “I’m an ass man” plays and out comes Mr. Ass, and he has brought out the Cat. Oh good God they are dancing and shaking their buts at us. NOOOOOOOOOOO. It has to be a dream. Let me hit my head on this table. THUD. Oh boy, am I relieved. It was a dream. Neither Mr. Ass nor the Cat is anywhere to be seen.

Mr. ECW is in the back with his new assistant Dawn Marie. This just isn’t fair. The guy at the temp agency said I had that job. Even Mr. ECW said I had a great interview. Now I will never get into the WWE. Dawn Marie is writing a letter to Bob “Prison Boy” Holly. He will be in the joint so long that they have scheduled congecal visits. She is even nice enough to enclose a picture of his first visitor that will get his heart racing. Too bad it is Blondshaw wearing nothing but a cowboy hat and a smile. Poor Holly. Mr. ECW then tells Dawn to have Morphine meet him in the ring.

Mr. ECW heads down to the ring with his Green Giants (Matt Morgan and Nathan Jones). He then shows clips of them beating up Morphine. Mr. ECW then calls out Morphine and tells him his biggest challenge is ahead of him…

Morphine vs. Big Slow
This match belongs at a county fair. Why you ask? Because it is one of the biggest squashes in history. Big Slow toyed with Morphine like a cat toys with a mouse. I hope that Morphine gets some kind of a push out of this because he has looked amazing putting his behemoth opponents over.

We are privileged for a tale of the tape between Vanilla C and Benoit. It might sound strange, but on the few occasions Smackdown does this it makes the match feel like it is more important. Just adding fuel to the fire I suppose.

Jethro is in the back berating Ellie Mae for causing him to loose the last two weeks. He wants her to stay behind tonight, until he gets a better idea. He will enter her in a Stevie Wonder look-alike contest to keep her busy. The real question is what did Tajiri spray in Ellie Mae’s eyes? It has been over a month and she still can’t see. He must have combined hydrochloric acid and Drain-O.

Jethro vs. Chung (half of the Iron Chef Bouncers)
Chung looked fat and Jethro still needs to wear a belt. In surprising news Ellie Mae came in second at the Stevie Wonder look-alike contest. When Tajiri distracted the ref, Jethro threw her in the ring and into Chung. Jethro then gets a roll-up on the Iron Chef’s bouncer for a cheap win. Jethro then has an evil grin on his face. Don’t tell me they are turning him heel again. He was just starting to win over the fans as a face.

The annoying seventh grade kid is interviewing Vanilla C until Chris Benoit interrupts. They have the usual stare down until they go their separate ways to get ready for their match. The seventh grader was thatclose to getting an interview for the school paper.

Vanilla C vs. Chris Benoit
This was the match I was waiting for. We know that the WWE wouldn’t give us a World Championship title change on free TV, so this should be the match of the night, because the outcome wasn’t a given. I personally think that Benoit is ready to be the World Champ, and Vanilla could use some time as US champ. The match delivered as the best of the night, despite a lousy ending. After about 10 minutes of great wrestling Vanilla hit the FU on Benoit for the cover. Another ref came out to restart the match because Benoit had his foot on the ropes. During the distraction Big Slow came to ringside and clobbered Vanilla. Upon the restart, Benoit forced C-Note to tap to the crossface.

The Latino mullet is pumping Chavo up in the back to get him ready for his match. Chavo stops him and says he is tired of the selfish Eddie. Eddie is selfish? Maybe Chavo said “shellfish, Eddie”. Chavo could be allergic. Never buy shellfish out of the trunk of a car. One very important rule to live by.

Chavo vs. Funk w/Haashole
Eddie wasn’t suppose to come to ringside, but he did anyway. He just sat on his low rider and enjoyed the action as a “fan”. He even brought a lawn chair, tacos, a beer dispensing hat (wasn’t Eddie in AA at one point? Good thing it was YJ Stinger in the hat ) and hung out with his friends at ringside. When Haashole tried to get involved in the match Eddie nailed a frogsplash on Funk. The ref didn’t see it, but Chavo did. He picked up the win, but was pissed at his Uncle afterwards. I guess Eddie only brought one hat and wouldn’t share with his nephew. Eddie must not be Chavo’s true friend. I think Chavo will be shown on drugs or hitting the sauce by the next Smackdown PPV. An understandable angle with Eddie’s past, but with all the recent wrestler deaths it may backfire on the WWE.

Flowers By Irene are in the back taking bets on the Brock vs. Benoit match. The Wookie puts $50 on Benoit because he is hairier. In a close contest Wookies always bet on the person with more hair. A little known but true fact that could pay off big some day.

We get to see a lifetime highlight package of Brock dominating Kurt Angle, Hogan, and various others. Brock’s Wrestlemania XIX Shooting Star Press is not part of the video, and neither is tonight’s promo about Mae Young. Be thankful for small favors.

The seventh grader is at it again, this time talking to Benoit. They show a video of Brock tapping to the crossface at Survivor Series. Benoit warns Brock that it will happen again.

Brock vs. Chris Benoit
WWE.com recently posted an article about how many people feel that Benoit is ready for a title run. If this match was at a PPV then I would be willing to bet good money that the Rabid Wolverine would walk out with the gold. Since this is his second match of the night, and it isn’t a PPV, my mind is telling me Brock will win. I also have a feeling that this feud isn’t over, so there will be some kind of false or disputed finish.

This match certainly was PPV-caliber. For the first time since entering the WWE, Brock’s amateur background showed up. He did more than just brawl, he actually employed strategy and wrestled. The too often used ref bump gave Benoit the opportunity to lock in the crossface and force Brock to tap. Since there was no ref, there was no title change, must to the disappointment of the crowd. Benoit released the hold and tried to revive the ref. This allowed Brock to nail the F-5, but Benoit kicked out at the last possible instant! The ref needed another nap, so Brock grabbed a chair and hammered away at Benoit’s legs. Brock then tried almost every submission move I have ever seen (and some that were new to me) in an attempt to get Benoit tap. At one point the pain became too much and the Wolverine passed out from the pain. The ref had to award the victory to Brock. He was mad, despite the victory, as Benoit never actually tapped out.

WOW is the word of the night. This was the best Smackdown in a long time. We got high quality matches, a great flow throughout the show, and Vinny Wonka wasn’t on camera. What else could you expect from a show? Rey Rey will be wrestling later on during the TNN Video Game Award show, and against Chris Jericho no less. I give Smackdown some credit for that. So on a scale on 3-97 I give this week’s show a whopping 90.56987. Since I have been doing this column I can’t remember ever giving out a higher rating. Well done to the entire Smackdown crew. Now if I could only get to be Dawn Marie’s personal assistant…

On another self-indulgent note, I may have finally gotten my first big break as a sports writer. A website called bostonsportsmedia.com will be publishing my sports columns on the weekends. It isn’t a paying job, but editors from many newspapers in the New England area do review the site looking for writers. It is a start, and hopefully it will lead somewhere. This may lead to fewer wrestling columns, but I will do my best to keep my current schedule. If you would like to be added to my email list of sports columns then email meKiller.canary@cox.net and I will send them to you. I hope you enjoy. Have a great weekend and see you next week.

This has been an original column from CCOLINV ENTERPRISES. For information of where to find my columns across the net visit my homepage The Killer Canary. If you know someone looking for a sports or wrestling writer for a magazine, newspaper, or website, and is willing to pay for columnspp96545, then email me. Until next week ”Quote the Canary Nevermore”.

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